Positives in the dark areas.

 For the third or fourth week in a row, I’m at a laundromat washing my clothes - more importantly my comforter that the cat peed on. While I was still covered up in it. 

My house is a HOT MESS. The major work is complete but I’m still not living in that part of the house. It only has subfloors, so I still have no kitchen or utility room… or anything that goes in those rooms. 

When I took the Clifton’s Strength Finders quiz my number one attribute is adaptability. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

Basically, I had a bit of emergency surgery (full hysterectomy) that kinda went sideways and I ended up with a large slice from bellybutton up 6 inches. Plus the little dots on each side. And then I acquired staff infection. And in between I hired people to replace the joists under my kitchen. But since my crawl space is so low, the floors had to be removed to access the crawl space. Which meant everything had to come out of those rooms if it touched the floor. 

Thankfully, local community folks removed all the appliances and cabinets. It was a group effort to get all the “stuff” out that were in the cabinets and shelves. And now a pod is in my front yard holding about half  this stuff. Which means my tiny house is packed with a narrow pathway to my bedroom. The cats have been displaced from all their favorite sleeping spots because I have boxes stacked on every surface. And I haven’t had a washing machine, stove, microwave… for over a month 

Which brings me back to the landromat. Where my stressed out kitty keeps peeing on my bed to let me know he isn’t happy, and I haven’t no installed washing machine so I end up here. Not that it’s a bad thing - expensive and time consuming - but interesting. Several times I’ve been the only white person. Possibly the only native English speaker. Some people are very skittish of me, others have total indifference. The only ones who show me any attention are the kids. And sometimes their parents aren’t thrilled with it and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be an adult here for the kids. 

I wish I could open a laundromat with additional features. Something to do during this down time. Not sure what it could be, but I like the idea. This one is always clean, the people aren’t rude, just reserved. The machines seem to work and there is always someone on duty should you need something. 

Bless this little boy just brought me a cell phone and asked me to add time to his game ($$$).  Where is his adult?? Heaven help. 

Since New Years is this coming week, I suppose I should spend this time reflecting on 2025 and planning for 2026. 2025 kinda sucked. Of course, there were so many blessings that I should be focused on but at the same time, I want 2026 to be a better year. A calmer, and yet happier and more exciting, year. I want to travel. Budget. Lose weight. Sew. Create. Learn. Improve. Feel secure. Be confident. Focus. Enjoy. Celebrate. Just be better. 

My one word for 2026 - intentional. My emotions. Thoughts. Words. Actions. Focus. Can I do it? I hope so. 

Life is never easy, is it?

 I obviously suck at blogging these days. I wish it were truly anonymous, giving me a great place to just dump life and be done with it. Since March, what has happened? My sister has beat breast cancer. Man, I'm so glad to be able to say that. It was some rough moments, but she's amazing and really did well. Her short hair as it comes back in is so cute. She's been through reconstruction surgery and truly is doing so well. 

I had my own cancer scare that was thankfully negative. my gynecologist did an ultrasound and uterine biopsy - the ultrasound gave her concern that I had ovarian cancer.  Once you mention cancer, life moves at warp speed. I met with an oncologist and he squeezed me in for a full hysterectomy just before I left for his 30th anniversary in Portugal. He was 95% sure it wasn't cancer, but he wasn't prepared for the mess I was rocking in my abdomen. So surgery was extended 4x longer than anticipated. One little fact that was interesting - my uterus was 6x larger than normal. So that created the need for a 5-6" gash from my belly button up. That sucker has been a doozy, infection, not responding to antibiotics - just too much fun. 

As I'm home healing with the second round of antibiotics, I decided to call in someone to look under the house to see why my floor were spongy. Weeelllllllll, that took a quick turn for the worse and now I terrified of walking in my kitchen and utility room. The wood is eat up with termites and moisture rot. We are talking multiple thousands to repair it because they have to rip out my floors and go in from the top. My house is too low to the ground. Oh my gosh, when the guy walked in and said - not being facetious but how attached are you to this house?? Well, I knew then I was in trouble. Just pray that I can find a way to keep this up around me while I look for another job that may offer me a little more stability. Because the one I have is laying off people at a rapid rate in my department. Terrifies me for taking on a new payment and then losing my job. 

Can we say a wee bit of stress? It makes me so sad, I just want to live a quiet but nice life and do my job (and do it well!), and just have a safe and secure place to come home to and relax. That is not currently what I have. I'm worried about being let go from my job. I'm worried my house is going to literally fall in while I'm trying to wash clothes. And I'm worried about this nice gash dissecting my gut. Sigh. Not loving it at all. 10 out of 10 DO NOT RECOMMEND. :) 

I do wonder what I can do for a secondary income to help ease through this and pay off some bills faster or invest in hopes I have backup income through what I fear will be a difficult journey ahead. Any suggestions? 

flat line.

Good morning, great big world out there. Nothing like having a Saturday morning, sitting at your "work desk" and listening to your cat gnaw her claws off on the bed beside you. Just what I signed up for today. 

Life is better, if you were curious. I won't say it's hunky dory or full of rainbows and sunshine, but it's better. Cancer sucks. And that's about how I can sum up life at the moment. And breast cancer, for a woman... it's so crude and callous. It takes your hair, it takes your boob. The scars left behind are ugly. And then you get AHOLE guys who think - oh, your boobs aren't normal? Are you even a woman anymore? And talk about a mind F as you are battling for your life and struggling mentally with your own femininity and the loss and all the emotions that go with this horrific disease that you did NOTHING to be afflicted with and yet HERE WE ARE. And some dumbass thinks it's ok to say this. To THINK this. What. the. actual. crap. 

No. This didn't happen to my sister. If it did, I'd probably be in jail. 

Moving forward and asking for help.

 I am one of those people who need drugs to even out my chemical imbalance. And while it took a year of total chaos at my work to push me to the point I was losing my mind and my health, since then I've been on the same medication. Not sure if it just doesn't work for me anymore or if the original doctors just assigned me something and never followed up to see how it was doing - regardless it definitely wasn't working anymore. 

On one hand, it was kinda nice to be somewhat numb to life. Especially when so much is going on and it feels so overwhelming at times. A lot of the emotion was behind a foggy glass for me, and I felt very detached from most of life. But as it continued to not work, I just wanted to be myself again. I have begun to cry all the time. My anxiety is going bonkers and I'm always afraid someone is mad at me, or doesn't like me anymore, or is trying to find a way to distance themselves from me. And there are no filters. If I think it, I say it and therefore people probably are trying to get away from me. lol I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner who doesn't think I'm crazy, so that sucks, too. 

I did finally talk to my doctor and she is changing my medication. Hopefully this new stuff is going to not only get my head on straight, but help with hot flashes! whoo hoo, that would be freakin wonderful! The sucky thing is coming down off the first med and slowly ramping up the second med. And seeing how it works. Please let this be good for me. I really do want to be who I am again and not this sad, lonely, negative, crying woman who can't seem to be happy. 

I also want to find someone to date. Someone my age, that wants to travel together, but also just chill on the couch and watch a movie. It sucks to have a guy being one of your besties - he is dating someone and I need to back out of the way. So I don't foresee much traveling in our future. And I'm not interested in traveling alone. While I love my family to pieces, when I travel with them, I end up being the point person. With Dylan, he was or we both were, but I never felt overtaxed with making decisions or finding the options. 

Whew. That was a lot of dumping. I don't really think anyone is out there reading this on a routine basis, but maybe randomly stumbling upon it and moving on. But if you have read to this point, I want you to know it's ok if you need medicine, or therapy. It's ok to be uncomfortable and want for something different. But reach out for the help you need to get back to being yourself. Don't let it stop you from moving into a better part of life. :)  I'm headed there! And looking forward to getting better. 

Oh Canada!

 I don’t even know where I’m at, trying to get all of the trips in the past several years documented here. All of that got shoved aside, but I do want to have documentation somewhere of the places I’ve been and seen. Today we are going to look at the trip to Canada that Dylan and I took in 2024.

Tudors Biscuit World is a must stop in West Virginia. Then we went through Pennsylvania, enjoyeda bitterly cold Lake Erie, we hit New York and then we crossed over into Canada. When the border agent asked if we had any guns at our home, Dylan said no, but I said yes. Probably not the smartest move on my part. Thankfully, she let us cross without a secondary inspection. 

The CN Tower experience was amazing. We stepped off the elevators as the circle of sun was dipping below the horizon. Perfect timing. And watching it get darker and all the city light up below you… beautiful. 

Niagara Falls was amazing!!! The power of that water is slightly scary. I thought the drop would be greater but it was still so cool to see it for myself. 

We didn’t stay there for the eclipse. No we left Canada and chased it towards Cleveland before we found a place without clouds. We pulled into a rest stop with tons of other drivers and everyone cheered when it was fully covered. Probably the craziest thing I’ve witnessed. 

This has been sitting here forever waiting to be published, so I"m back dating it to a random date and getting it completed. :) 

Peace and tranquility?

 My writing skills have just sucked lately. I think it’s just I’m so scattered and tired, stressed and exhausted and it’s just a stream of consciousness coming out of my mouth. Yes I’m totally cheating and using voice to text instead of typing on my phone.

Katie has had some issues this week, but thankfully the doctors do not believe the infection has reached her blood stream. So we are hoping this will not delay chemo on Thursday. I’m working the election on Tuesday, which should be very interesting. After working in the elections office for 12 years, you think I’d be totally old hat at elections. But we didn’t get to work on election day at the polls, we were always in the office answering questions. Of course, a presidential election is a pretty big deal and the turnout should be tremendous. I pray everything goes smoothly and that I stay well because I don’t need to give Katie anything that I pick up at the election.

I’m having an off night tonight and I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I feel very invisible at the moment, very lonesome. With everything that’s going on I really wish I had that special person by my side. I’ve often wondered why I wasn’t allowed to have a family. I totally know that God has his reasons and I’m 100% sure they are great reasons, but I’ve never realized I’d be looking at 50 and still be on my own. I know people look at me and either think to themselves, “I don’t want to be her when I grow up,” meaning they don’t want to be the single old lady with a million cats. Or they think I’m a lesbian. I’m not really sure what happened and how I became 49 and still single. Sometimes I feel like I should still be in my 20s - time just went by so fast. 99% of the time it does not bother me, but there are times I just wish I could share with somebody the joys and the heartaches of life.

I’m just having a down night. I’m sad my family is dealing with cancer again. I’m sad that Katie is having another crazy issue. I’m so sad to see Macy having another upheaval in her very young life. It’s just tough sometimes. And not saying we don’t have the most amazing people in our lives because we do. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing, but I kinda wish we didn’t need it.

So that’s my night tonight. Another busy week as we get ready for chemo treatment number two and probably shaving Katie‘s head as her hair is coming out so quickly now. Working in the election and seeing where this country is headed next. I just wish that we could see some peace and tranquility. 

Finding the rhythm

 Life continues to be a whirlwind, but I think it’s calming down. When Katie was first diagnosed immediately, she was in appointments three or four times a week. So many things to do and take care of - it was overwhelming. And while I’m so very thankful to have the amazing medical staff in Charlotte, it’s exhausting to go back-and-forth in the traffic and the roads I don’t know and figure out parking, etc., etc.

Now I think we are done with most extra appointments and can focus on chemo every three weeks. The oncologist will see her before she goes in for chemo, but after she’s had labs. To be there by 8 AM we leave the house around 6 AM. Very long day-traffic sucks in Charlotte and we end up driving in rush-hour traffic, but these doctors are so worth it. The compassion, the intelligence, the desire to see you succeed – it’s been amazing to work with these people.

It’s hard to feel like there’s anything else in life right now. Everything revolves around Katie and cancer. The treatments, the side effects how it affects her daughter, keeping both of them well, etc.  what medication should she be taking and when, who’s taking her to what appointment, how is her daughter getting home from school, or the dance, or piano practice or tutoring… Thank heavens for our mother. And thank heavens for Katie’s friends who have really stepped in to do so much with Macy. And thank goodness, my boss has been very understanding.

My closest guy friend, Dylan, has been awesome. He said since I’m taking care of everyone else that he would take care of me. And he really has done that. If I could find a guy close to my age range and my belief system who could treat me like Dylan does, I’d be a happy lady. 

The difficult days

 I should have written long before now. So much happened so quickly. I won’t say it started with my health issues, but that’s definitely a good starting point. And one doctor visit, which was a routine visit, I ended up with an ultrasound of my kidneys, which led to a urologist and a CT scan of my kidneys. Also, I mentioned I get off balance a lot and my watch notified me that I am unsteady – that landed me trying to have an MRI. I say try because I completely freaked out and haven’t managed to complete that yet. 

In the meantime, my sister found a painful lump in her breast. That led to a mammogram and ultrasound and a biopsy. Four spots were biopsied actually. The day she should have received her results, hurricane Helene hit, canceling that appointment. We had no power or water for three days, showered at friends’ and families’ homes. We thought we knew what was going on based off of information on her patient portal. The following week she and my mom went to the rescheduled appointment only to discover less than half the information was posted on her patient portal. Things were not nearly as “good“ as we had thought. Tuesday will be the meeting with the oncologist and surgeon to learn the treatment plan.

To say we’ve had a wee bit of stress is an understatement, but I feel like the worst is yet to come. My niece is constantly asking all of us, “are you OK?” She is obviously worried. Losing her dad at 6-years-old makes her very anxious about anything medical. Yes- we are ok but we are all very stressed and worried. 

—- 

Update: we did see the oncologist and surgeon and while we received difficult news, we also received good news. The cancer is aggressive and invasive but also cure able.  The plan is 6 chemo treatments and then a mastectomy. Not what we wanted to hear but we’ll do what we have to do. I say we - I know this is on my sister’s shoulders but we all go together. 

More Catching Up: California May 2023

So let's add another trip to the blog - California! I'd never been to the west coast - I guess the farthest west I'd been was Iowa... well Id' been to Texas so guess that would be it. Eh, whatever - Dylan and I went to California! And the coolest part is we went to his hometown of San Diego!

He is always searching for cheap flights and found a great fare from Charleston, SC to LAX. Which meant we had to drive to Charleston in the middle of the night to catch this flight. I don't know why he puts up with me, I slept half the way to Charleston and he did all the driving. (Sorry Dylan, I'm a crappy travel buddy!) Neither of us like to fly, so that was fun. Almost missed our flight out of Charleston (only to fly back to Charlotte and then to LAX - why is it less expensive than flying out of Charlotte direct?! argh!). 

Got to LAX and did a bit of touring; saw the Hollywood sign, and a few other places. Realized the AC didn't work in the truck we'd rented, so back to the rental agency we go. Swapped that sucker out because I don't do no AC. Interestingly, we found a Southerner working and we found some folks that didn't speak English, so yay for Dylan for being bilingual! Hopped into our new rental and away we go to San Diego. And I slept the whole way there. (sorry again!!)

San Diego is incredibly beautiful! I loved it! The perfect weather, so easy and walkable. We hit his favorite Mexican restaurant, he got his favorite clam chowder, we found an outdoor food festival and enjoy Columbia empanadas! (so good!) and did some typical sight seeing. Drove to La Jolla and saw the uppity neighborhoods. Toured his old stompin' grounds of Chula Vista and his old schools, house, friends' homes, places that meant something to him. It was great! If housing wasn't totally out of sight I'd love to live there. The weather is incredible. (as I'm writing this, we just endured Hurricane Debby and the multiple inches of rain that caused flooding all over the upstate.) 

Because we happened to visit during Memorial Day, the military cemetary was very beautiful. We happened to park beside an elderly widow visiting her husband's grave. There were several events where veterans were wearing special tags and decor designating their military service and they were walking around the beach with us. It was so humbling to be with these people who - like the widow, lost her husband, or those that served. I'm sure some lost their friends in battle. It just touched me. 

After our whirlwind visit to San Diego, we headed back to Charleston and spend the next day just bumming around the east coast! Visiting Dylan's favorite seafood restaurant there, too! How he eats like he does and stays skinny is beyond me, but more power to him. 

I love these trips with him. Travelling with Dylan is so incredibly easy. We rarely get irritated at each other and are totally cool with doing whatever the other wants to do, so it's always a great trip when we are together. :) Glad to have this one added to my travel memories!

Thinking of Dad

I'm sure I've written most of this before. I'm not going to go back and read what I've written before. I've just had Dad on my mind. He was such an amazing man. As kids, he was working all the time, overtime, making sure he provided all he could for our family. They had three kids, spaced out over 9 years, and mom worked some but stayed home with us a lot when we were small. At times he worked swing shifts, which were hard on the whole family. He added blackout curtains to my parents bedroom and a window AC unit and it was FREEZING in there. He worked in a nuclear plant and there were certain sounds that were just "not good." Unfortunately, my hair dryer made a similar sound, so we didn't use that when he was sleeping. We also didn't have to clean house on Saturday mornings when he was sleeping, so cartoons for the win! 

When he was home, he was a kid at heart. Loved coyote and road runner, building Legos with us, and giving us hugs. I would ride on his shoulders as a little kid, on the backs of cows, in the wagon or wheelbarrow. He farmed so we tagged along. Driving out through the pasture in his truck was a treat. He would plow down tall grass and small bushes, driving through the pasture looking for cows. But to me, it was magical.  He'd call the cows and they'd come running, knowing food was being tossed out for them. 

Shopping with Dad was always an experience. He'd know exactly what he wanted to get Mom for Christmas, birthdays and Mother's Day. If we suggested something she'd mention, it went on the list, too. And then we'd hop in the truck and head to town. Talk about focused. Don't even think about deviating from the plan - the plan was all we were there to do. And eat. We both liked to eat. :) But he would put such thought into everything he got her. One year, it was a George Forman grill (remember when those were all the rage). My sister and I bought a very trashy hot red teddy from Wal-Mart and folded it up inside the grill, and wrapped it. I don't know which one was more shocked on Christmas morning when she opened it up, pulled out the grill and held up the teddy. HAHAHA She got us back when she said that was for later. UGH. But it was HILARIOUS to prank them both in one shot. HA.

In 2008, when the recession hit, my workplace reduce our hours/pay by 20%. So we had one extra day off a week. I chose Wednesdays because he was off on Wednesdays. I'd tag along with him doing whatever he needed to do that day. We planted beets. Fed the cows. Went to the feed and seed store. Picked up parts for the truck. Fixed the truck in the parking lot! And we ate. We'd hit this dive of a place with country cooking and eat up. The waitresses all knew him and got to know me. I made sure I went back to let them know he'd passed away. It was hard going back without him. But I would give back those days for anything. I knew they were a treasure, to have a day a week, just he and I, together as adults. Such a special time. 

I wish I'd written down more memories. I know I have a horrible memory and I know I'm missing big blocks of time that were just special moments. Or times we'd laughed so hard his eyes watered. He never expected to live as long as he did. He was preparing us for him to be gone when we were children. He'd lost his parents when they were in their 50s and early 60s. So he figured that would be his fate, too. I'm glad we did get more time with him than that, though. All of us were grown and his grandbabies were all old enough to remember him. Man, he had such a huge personality. I just miss that so much, asking him questions, hearing his family stories, depending on him for so many things. He was a huge blessing in my life, God gave me to him and I'm so thankful for it. 

Iowa Road Trip - catching up 2022

 Wow, I just realized I never posted about my Iowa road trip - the first major road trip D and I took together! I'd started working at my new job and everyone was still remote. Half my coworkers were in Iowa and one in particular had two adorable cats I just fell in love with. I mean, she was also a super cool person that I wanted to meet, and I really wanted to have some touchpoint with these people that were my coworkers but whom I'd probably never meet. 

D is always up for a trip. So we packed up the truck and headed to Iowa in the Summer of 2022. I think it was the summer of 2022. Anyway, it was an awesome trip. This country is so incredibly beautiful. The landscapes change before your eyes as you drive across the states, take a few off the beaten path detours, find hole in the wall places to eat and embrace adventure. 

We started off in SC, NC, Tennessee, found a slightly sketchy place to eat in Knoxville, TN, that D hesitated to stop at... but then fell in love with the food (Jackie's Dream, Food with Soul). Super nice folks and good food. 

Saw the biggest cross in my life at Caryville, TN. 

Amazing double rainbows in Mt. Vernon, KY. and Berea, KY. 

Rainbows and sunsets in Erlanger, KY

Covington, Indiana! You know I HAD to have a photo of that! 

Illinois also has corn and wind turbines! I squealed like a child when I saw the first one up close. They are majestic! We went off roading and parked in the middle of a corn field and it was dang creepy how silent it was. Bizarre feeling! See how close the corn was to the truck? 

Peoria, Illinois - super cute little stop on the river to enjoy water instead of corn for a minute. 

IOWA!! This was a rest stop and the corn was right up against the rest stop buildings. It was crazy! And of course, wind turbines everywhere. I was fascinated! 

So we of course got in touch with my friend/coworker, Rachel, and met her kitties! Here is one - Bae I think? She was so nice to basically clear everything from her life for the weekend and hang out with us wherever we decided to go. We did dinner with the coworkers who were available - soooo cool!!

We did the farmers market, ate downtown, found another super cool place to eat called Drake's, visited West Des Moines and East Village for goodies to take back home, the Art Museum (more shopping!) and let me say this - it was FREAKIN' HOT in Des Moines. Like, over 100 hot. I was dying. I know I'm Southern, but I do air conditioning. It was insanely hot and miserable outside. It was a whirlwind trip - two days - and back on the road. 

Talk about exciting - this is a wind turbine ... arm? Blade! I think that's what they are called - going down the interstate! We saw three in total, so that was AWESOME. 

No clue what this creepy vehicle is that we found in Missouri, but it was weird. 

Adorable houses packed in together in St. Louis, Missouri. 

The arch! We drove to go tour it but it was closed. We did find a guy shooting up at the base of the archway, sitting inside a kiddie sunshade tent thing shaped like a shark. It was bizarre and disturbing. We got the heck out of there. 

I realize I'm a country bumpkin and the city life isn't for me. And while I do find some of the graffiti interesting, it isn't my thing  

We are getting more southern! Barbourville, KY

Cumberland Gap

Tennessee! Rolling hills and beautiful green trees. The steam coming from the downpour D navigated us through because I wouldn't have driven through that nonsense. 

We had concerns about the flooding on our way home - and you could see the water was up and trees were now surrounded that shouldn't have been. But thankfully, we were good the entire trip. 

How did we end our trip home? With a stop at Waffle House. It was shocking how early things closed in Des Moines and we really needed a WH. But the closest one was in Kansas City! So that wasn't happening. Keep in mind, Covid was still a player in August 2022, so that was also impacting things. 

And long at last, a Carolina moon. 

What a great trip, and this is what kicked off our road tripping adventures. We were in each other's space for six days with no issues. We get along so well, it's a little amazing. Love this trip and would totally do it again! 

Adventures in Cary, NC - Chinese Lanterns Nov 2023

If you've followed along, you know I’m crazy behind and trying to catch up on the highlights. In November 2023, Mom, Katie, Macy, Dylan and I went to Cary, NC for the Chinese Lantern Festival. These sculptures are breathtakingly beautiful. We had the best time together as a family and my family considers Dylan one of us. 

This beautiful boat was damaged the next weekend when horrible storms came through the area. We were the last weekend to see the lanterns in Cary, as the damage was so bad they closed the event down early to try and salvage what they could.

Macy and mom both enjoyed swinging on these installations. They were the only two light enough to swing on them! haha

This cannon would fire smoke rings out right into your face. You see the two that just HAD to do it! 

These three - heaven help us if they aren't trouble together. Especially the oldest and youngest together!

I'm in love with the Asian culture and beauty so this was right up my alley! The talent and skill that went into creating these sculptures was amazing. I think I liked the first ones I saw in Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens the best, but these were so very beautiful and more interactive for the kids. We saw a very cool dance performance, enjoyed some tasty treats and had our fortunes told. :) 

We also found a great restaurant that we ended up at twice because we ALL enjoyed it so much! And that's a tall order to find something that suites each of us! I just wish I could remember the name... if I think of it I'll come back and add it. 

I'd like to go back to Cary simply because it POURED and we didn't get to explore much outside of the lantern festival. It seems like such a neat area with much more to offer, if we just get the chance to explore it!