Life is never easy, is it?

 I obviously suck at blogging these days. I wish it were truly anonymous, giving me a great place to just dump life and be done with it. Since March, what has happened? My sister has beat breast cancer. Man, I'm so glad to be able to say that. It was some rough moments, but she's amazing and really did well. Her short hair as it comes back in is so cute. She's been through reconstruction surgery and truly is doing so well. 

I had my own cancer scare that was thankfully negative. my gynecologist did an ultrasound and uterine biopsy - the ultrasound gave her concern that I had ovarian cancer.  Once you mention cancer, life moves at warp speed. I met with an oncologist and he squeezed me in for a full hysterectomy just before I left for his 30th anniversary in Portugal. He was 95% sure it wasn't cancer, but he wasn't prepared for the mess I was rocking in my abdomen. So surgery was extended 4x longer than anticipated. One little fact that was interesting - my uterus was 6x larger than normal. So that created the need for a 5-6" gash from my belly button up. That sucker has been a doozy, infection, not responding to antibiotics - just too much fun. 

As I'm home healing with the second round of antibiotics, I decided to call in someone to look under the house to see why my floor were spongy. Weeelllllllll, that took a quick turn for the worse and now I terrified of walking in my kitchen and utility room. The wood is eat up with termites and moisture rot. We are talking multiple thousands to repair it because they have to rip out my floors and go in from the top. My house is too low to the ground. Oh my gosh, when the guy walked in and said - not being facetious but how attached are you to this house?? Well, I knew then I was in trouble. Just pray that I can find a way to keep this up around me while I look for another job that may offer me a little more stability. Because the one I have is laying off people at a rapid rate in my department. Terrifies me for taking on a new payment and then losing my job. 

Can we say a wee bit of stress? It makes me so sad, I just want to live a quiet but nice life and do my job (and do it well!), and just have a safe and secure place to come home to and relax. That is not currently what I have. I'm worried about being let go from my job. I'm worried my house is going to literally fall in while I'm trying to wash clothes. And I'm worried about this nice gash dissecting my gut. Sigh. Not loving it at all. 10 out of 10 DO NOT RECOMMEND. :) 

I do wonder what I can do for a secondary income to help ease through this and pay off some bills faster or invest in hopes I have backup income through what I fear will be a difficult journey ahead. Any suggestions? 

flat line.

Good morning, great big world out there. Nothing like having a Saturday morning, sitting at your "work desk" and listening to your cat gnaw her claws off on the bed beside you. Just what I signed up for today. 

Life is better, if you were curious. I won't say it's hunky dory or full of rainbows and sunshine, but it's better. Cancer sucks. And that's about how I can sum up life at the moment. And breast cancer, for a woman... it's so crude and callous. It takes your hair, it takes your boob. The scars left behind are ugly. And then you get AHOLE guys who think - oh, your boobs aren't normal? Are you even a woman anymore? And talk about a mind F as you are battling for your life and struggling mentally with your own femininity and the loss and all the emotions that go with this horrific disease that you did NOTHING to be afflicted with and yet HERE WE ARE. And some dumbass thinks it's ok to say this. To THINK this. What. the. actual. crap. 

No. This didn't happen to my sister. If it did, I'd probably be in jail. 

Moving forward and asking for help.

 I am one of those people who need drugs to even out my chemical imbalance. And while it took a year of total chaos at my work to push me to the point I was losing my mind and my health, since then I've been on the same medication. Not sure if it just doesn't work for me anymore or if the original doctors just assigned me something and never followed up to see how it was doing - regardless it definitely wasn't working anymore. 

On one hand, it was kinda nice to be somewhat numb to life. Especially when so much is going on and it feels so overwhelming at times. A lot of the emotion was behind a foggy glass for me, and I felt very detached from most of life. But as it continued to not work, I just wanted to be myself again. I have begun to cry all the time. My anxiety is going bonkers and I'm always afraid someone is mad at me, or doesn't like me anymore, or is trying to find a way to distance themselves from me. And there are no filters. If I think it, I say it and therefore people probably are trying to get away from me. lol I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner who doesn't think I'm crazy, so that sucks, too. 

I did finally talk to my doctor and she is changing my medication. Hopefully this new stuff is going to not only get my head on straight, but help with hot flashes! whoo hoo, that would be freakin wonderful! The sucky thing is coming down off the first med and slowly ramping up the second med. And seeing how it works. Please let this be good for me. I really do want to be who I am again and not this sad, lonely, negative, crying woman who can't seem to be happy. 

I also want to find someone to date. Someone my age, that wants to travel together, but also just chill on the couch and watch a movie. It sucks to have a guy being one of your besties - he is dating someone and I need to back out of the way. So I don't foresee much traveling in our future. And I'm not interested in traveling alone. While I love my family to pieces, when I travel with them, I end up being the point person. With Dylan, he was or we both were, but I never felt overtaxed with making decisions or finding the options. 

Whew. That was a lot of dumping. I don't really think anyone is out there reading this on a routine basis, but maybe randomly stumbling upon it and moving on. But if you have read to this point, I want you to know it's ok if you need medicine, or therapy. It's ok to be uncomfortable and want for something different. But reach out for the help you need to get back to being yourself. Don't let it stop you from moving into a better part of life. :)  I'm headed there! And looking forward to getting better.