Life is never easy, is it?

 I obviously suck at blogging these days. I wish it were truly anonymous, giving me a great place to just dump life and be done with it. Since March, what has happened? My sister has beat breast cancer. Man, I'm so glad to be able to say that. It was some rough moments, but she's amazing and really did well. Her short hair as it comes back in is so cute. She's been through reconstruction surgery and truly is doing so well. 

I had my own cancer scare that was thankfully negative. my gynecologist did an ultrasound and uterine biopsy - the ultrasound gave her concern that I had ovarian cancer.  Once you mention cancer, life moves at warp speed. I met with an oncologist and he squeezed me in for a full hysterectomy just before I left for his 30th anniversary in Portugal. He was 95% sure it wasn't cancer, but he wasn't prepared for the mess I was rocking in my abdomen. So surgery was extended 4x longer than anticipated. One little fact that was interesting - my uterus was 6x larger than normal. So that created the need for a 5-6" gash from my belly button up. That sucker has been a doozy, infection, not responding to antibiotics - just too much fun. 

As I'm home healing with the second round of antibiotics, I decided to call in someone to look under the house to see why my floor were spongy. Weeelllllllll, that took a quick turn for the worse and now I terrified of walking in my kitchen and utility room. The wood is eat up with termites and moisture rot. We are talking multiple thousands to repair it because they have to rip out my floors and go in from the top. My house is too low to the ground. Oh my gosh, when the guy walked in and said - not being facetious but how attached are you to this house?? Well, I knew then I was in trouble. Just pray that I can find a way to keep this up around me while I look for another job that may offer me a little more stability. Because the one I have is laying off people at a rapid rate in my department. Terrifies me for taking on a new payment and then losing my job. 

Can we say a wee bit of stress? It makes me so sad, I just want to live a quiet but nice life and do my job (and do it well!), and just have a safe and secure place to come home to and relax. That is not currently what I have. I'm worried about being let go from my job. I'm worried my house is going to literally fall in while I'm trying to wash clothes. And I'm worried about this nice gash dissecting my gut. Sigh. Not loving it at all. 10 out of 10 DO NOT RECOMMEND. :) 

I do wonder what I can do for a secondary income to help ease through this and pay off some bills faster or invest in hopes I have backup income through what I fear will be a difficult journey ahead. Any suggestions? 

flat line.

Good morning, great big world out there. Nothing like having a Saturday morning, sitting at your "work desk" and listening to your cat gnaw her claws off on the bed beside you. Just what I signed up for today. 

Life is better, if you were curious. I won't say it's hunky dory or full of rainbows and sunshine, but it's better. Cancer sucks. And that's about how I can sum up life at the moment. And breast cancer, for a woman... it's so crude and callous. It takes your hair, it takes your boob. The scars left behind are ugly. And then you get AHOLE guys who think - oh, your boobs aren't normal? Are you even a woman anymore? And talk about a mind F as you are battling for your life and struggling mentally with your own femininity and the loss and all the emotions that go with this horrific disease that you did NOTHING to be afflicted with and yet HERE WE ARE. And some dumbass thinks it's ok to say this. To THINK this. What. the. actual. crap. 

No. This didn't happen to my sister. If it did, I'd probably be in jail. 

Moving forward and asking for help.

 I am one of those people who need drugs to even out my chemical imbalance. And while it took a year of total chaos at my work to push me to the point I was losing my mind and my health, since then I've been on the same medication. Not sure if it just doesn't work for me anymore or if the original doctors just assigned me something and never followed up to see how it was doing - regardless it definitely wasn't working anymore. 

On one hand, it was kinda nice to be somewhat numb to life. Especially when so much is going on and it feels so overwhelming at times. A lot of the emotion was behind a foggy glass for me, and I felt very detached from most of life. But as it continued to not work, I just wanted to be myself again. I have begun to cry all the time. My anxiety is going bonkers and I'm always afraid someone is mad at me, or doesn't like me anymore, or is trying to find a way to distance themselves from me. And there are no filters. If I think it, I say it and therefore people probably are trying to get away from me. lol I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner who doesn't think I'm crazy, so that sucks, too. 

I did finally talk to my doctor and she is changing my medication. Hopefully this new stuff is going to not only get my head on straight, but help with hot flashes! whoo hoo, that would be freakin wonderful! The sucky thing is coming down off the first med and slowly ramping up the second med. And seeing how it works. Please let this be good for me. I really do want to be who I am again and not this sad, lonely, negative, crying woman who can't seem to be happy. 

I also want to find someone to date. Someone my age, that wants to travel together, but also just chill on the couch and watch a movie. It sucks to have a guy being one of your besties - he is dating someone and I need to back out of the way. So I don't foresee much traveling in our future. And I'm not interested in traveling alone. While I love my family to pieces, when I travel with them, I end up being the point person. With Dylan, he was or we both were, but I never felt overtaxed with making decisions or finding the options. 

Whew. That was a lot of dumping. I don't really think anyone is out there reading this on a routine basis, but maybe randomly stumbling upon it and moving on. But if you have read to this point, I want you to know it's ok if you need medicine, or therapy. It's ok to be uncomfortable and want for something different. But reach out for the help you need to get back to being yourself. Don't let it stop you from moving into a better part of life. :)  I'm headed there! And looking forward to getting better. 

Oh Canada!

 I don’t even know where I’m at, trying to get all of the trips in the past several years documented here. All of that got shoved aside, but I do want to have documentation somewhere of the places I’ve been and seen. Today we are going to look at the trip to Canada that Dylan and I took in 2024.

Tudors Biscuit World is a must stop in West Virginia. Then we went through Pennsylvania, enjoyeda bitterly cold Lake Erie, we hit New York and then we crossed over into Canada. When the border agent asked if we had any guns at our home, Dylan said no, but I said yes. Probably not the smartest move on my part. Thankfully, she let us cross without a secondary inspection. 

The CN Tower experience was amazing. We stepped off the elevators as the circle of sun was dipping below the horizon. Perfect timing. And watching it get darker and all the city light up below you… beautiful. 

Niagara Falls was amazing!!! The power of that water is slightly scary. I thought the drop would be greater but it was still so cool to see it for myself. 

We didn’t stay there for the eclipse. No we left Canada and chased it towards Cleveland before we found a place without clouds. We pulled into a rest stop with tons of other drivers and everyone cheered when it was fully covered. Probably the craziest thing I’ve witnessed. 

This has been sitting here forever waiting to be published, so I"m back dating it to a random date and getting it completed. :) 

Peace and tranquility?

 My writing skills have just sucked lately. I think it’s just I’m so scattered and tired, stressed and exhausted and it’s just a stream of consciousness coming out of my mouth. Yes I’m totally cheating and using voice to text instead of typing on my phone.

Katie has had some issues this week, but thankfully the doctors do not believe the infection has reached her blood stream. So we are hoping this will not delay chemo on Thursday. I’m working the election on Tuesday, which should be very interesting. After working in the elections office for 12 years, you think I’d be totally old hat at elections. But we didn’t get to work on election day at the polls, we were always in the office answering questions. Of course, a presidential election is a pretty big deal and the turnout should be tremendous. I pray everything goes smoothly and that I stay well because I don’t need to give Katie anything that I pick up at the election.

I’m having an off night tonight and I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I feel very invisible at the moment, very lonesome. With everything that’s going on I really wish I had that special person by my side. I’ve often wondered why I wasn’t allowed to have a family. I totally know that God has his reasons and I’m 100% sure they are great reasons, but I’ve never realized I’d be looking at 50 and still be on my own. I know people look at me and either think to themselves, “I don’t want to be her when I grow up,” meaning they don’t want to be the single old lady with a million cats. Or they think I’m a lesbian. I’m not really sure what happened and how I became 49 and still single. Sometimes I feel like I should still be in my 20s - time just went by so fast. 99% of the time it does not bother me, but there are times I just wish I could share with somebody the joys and the heartaches of life.

I’m just having a down night. I’m sad my family is dealing with cancer again. I’m sad that Katie is having another crazy issue. I’m so sad to see Macy having another upheaval in her very young life. It’s just tough sometimes. And not saying we don’t have the most amazing people in our lives because we do. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing, but I kinda wish we didn’t need it.

So that’s my night tonight. Another busy week as we get ready for chemo treatment number two and probably shaving Katie‘s head as her hair is coming out so quickly now. Working in the election and seeing where this country is headed next. I just wish that we could see some peace and tranquility. 

Finding the rhythm

 Life continues to be a whirlwind, but I think it’s calming down. When Katie was first diagnosed immediately, she was in appointments three or four times a week. So many things to do and take care of - it was overwhelming. And while I’m so very thankful to have the amazing medical staff in Charlotte, it’s exhausting to go back-and-forth in the traffic and the roads I don’t know and figure out parking, etc., etc.

Now I think we are done with most extra appointments and can focus on chemo every three weeks. The oncologist will see her before she goes in for chemo, but after she’s had labs. To be there by 8 AM we leave the house around 6 AM. Very long day-traffic sucks in Charlotte and we end up driving in rush-hour traffic, but these doctors are so worth it. The compassion, the intelligence, the desire to see you succeed – it’s been amazing to work with these people.

It’s hard to feel like there’s anything else in life right now. Everything revolves around Katie and cancer. The treatments, the side effects how it affects her daughter, keeping both of them well, etc.  what medication should she be taking and when, who’s taking her to what appointment, how is her daughter getting home from school, or the dance, or piano practice or tutoring… Thank heavens for our mother. And thank heavens for Katie’s friends who have really stepped in to do so much with Macy. And thank goodness, my boss has been very understanding.

My closest guy friend, Dylan, has been awesome. He said since I’m taking care of everyone else that he would take care of me. And he really has done that. If I could find a guy close to my age range and my belief system who could treat me like Dylan does, I’d be a happy lady. 

The difficult days

 I should have written long before now. So much happened so quickly. I won’t say it started with my health issues, but that’s definitely a good starting point. And one doctor visit, which was a routine visit, I ended up with an ultrasound of my kidneys, which led to a urologist and a CT scan of my kidneys. Also, I mentioned I get off balance a lot and my watch notified me that I am unsteady – that landed me trying to have an MRI. I say try because I completely freaked out and haven’t managed to complete that yet. 

In the meantime, my sister found a painful lump in her breast. That led to a mammogram and ultrasound and a biopsy. Four spots were biopsied actually. The day she should have received her results, hurricane Helene hit, canceling that appointment. We had no power or water for three days, showered at friends’ and families’ homes. We thought we knew what was going on based off of information on her patient portal. The following week she and my mom went to the rescheduled appointment only to discover less than half the information was posted on her patient portal. Things were not nearly as “good“ as we had thought. Tuesday will be the meeting with the oncologist and surgeon to learn the treatment plan.

To say we’ve had a wee bit of stress is an understatement, but I feel like the worst is yet to come. My niece is constantly asking all of us, “are you OK?” She is obviously worried. Losing her dad at 6-years-old makes her very anxious about anything medical. Yes- we are ok but we are all very stressed and worried. 

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Update: we did see the oncologist and surgeon and while we received difficult news, we also received good news. The cancer is aggressive and invasive but also cure able.  The plan is 6 chemo treatments and then a mastectomy. Not what we wanted to hear but we’ll do what we have to do. I say we - I know this is on my sister’s shoulders but we all go together.