Moving forward and asking for help.

 I am one of those people who need drugs to even out my chemical imbalance. And while it took a year of total chaos at my work to push me to the point I was losing my mind and my health, since then I've been on the same medication. Not sure if it just doesn't work for me anymore or if the original doctors just assigned me something and never followed up to see how it was doing - regardless it definitely wasn't working anymore. 

On one hand, it was kinda nice to be somewhat numb to life. Especially when so much is going on and it feels so overwhelming at times. A lot of the emotion was behind a foggy glass for me, and I felt very detached from most of life. But as it continued to not work, I just wanted to be myself again. I have begun to cry all the time. My anxiety is going bonkers and I'm always afraid someone is mad at me, or doesn't like me anymore, or is trying to find a way to distance themselves from me. And there are no filters. If I think it, I say it and therefore people probably are trying to get away from me. lol I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner who doesn't think I'm crazy, so that sucks, too. 

I did finally talk to my doctor and she is changing my medication. Hopefully this new stuff is going to not only get my head on straight, but help with hot flashes! whoo hoo, that would be freakin wonderful! The sucky thing is coming down off the first med and slowly ramping up the second med. And seeing how it works. Please let this be good for me. I really do want to be who I am again and not this sad, lonely, negative, crying woman who can't seem to be happy. 

I also want to find someone to date. Someone my age, that wants to travel together, but also just chill on the couch and watch a movie. It sucks to have a guy being one of your besties - he is dating someone and I need to back out of the way. So I don't foresee much traveling in our future. And I'm not interested in traveling alone. While I love my family to pieces, when I travel with them, I end up being the point person. With Dylan, he was or we both were, but I never felt overtaxed with making decisions or finding the options. 

whew. That was a lot of dumping. I don't really think anyone is out there reading this on a routine basis, but maybe randomly stumbling upon it and moving on. But if you have read to this point, I want you to know it's ok if you need medicine, or therapy. It's ok to be uncomfortable and want for something different. But reach out for the help you need to get back to being yourself. Don't let it stop you from moving into a better part of life. :)  I'm headed there! And looking forward to getting better. 

Oh Canada!

 I don’t even know where I’m at, trying to get all of the trips in the past several years documented here. All of that got shoved aside, but I do want to have documentation somewhere of the places I’ve been and seen. Today we are going to look at the trip to Canada that Dylan and I took in 2024.

Tudors Biscuit World is a must stop in West Virginia. Then we went through Pennsylvania, enjoyeda bitterly cold Lake Erie, we hit New York and then we crossed over into Canada. When the border agent asked if we had any guns at our home, Dylan said no, but I said yes. Probably not the smartest move on my part. Thankfully, she let us cross without a secondary inspection. 

The CN Tower experience was amazing. We stepped off the elevators as the circle of sun was dipping below the horizon. Perfect timing. And watching it get darker and all the city light up below you… beautiful. 

Niagara Falls was amazing!!! The power of that water is slightly scary. I thought the drop would be greater but it was still so cool to see it for myself. 

We didn’t stay there for the eclipse. No we left Canada and chased it towards Cleveland before we found a place without clouds. We pulled into a rest stop with tons of other drivers and everyone cheered when it was fully covered. Probably the craziest thing I’ve witnessed. 

This has been sitting here forever waiting to be published, so I"m back dating it to a random date and getting it completed. :) 

Peace and tranquility?

 My writing skills have just sucked lately. I think it’s just I’m so scattered and tired, stressed and exhausted and it’s just a stream of consciousness coming out of my mouth. Yes I’m totally cheating and using voice to text instead of typing on my phone.

Katie has had some issues this week, but thankfully the doctors do not believe the infection has reached her blood stream. So we are hoping this will not delay chemo on Thursday. I’m working the election on Tuesday, which should be very interesting. After working in the elections office for 12 years, you think I’d be totally old hat at elections. But we didn’t get to work on election day at the polls, we were always in the office answering questions. Of course, a presidential election is a pretty big deal and the turnout should be tremendous. I pray everything goes smoothly and that I stay well because I don’t need to give Katie anything that I pick up at the election.

I’m having an off night tonight and I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I feel very invisible at the moment, very lonesome. With everything that’s going on I really wish I had that special person by my side. I’ve often wondered why I wasn’t allowed to have a family. I totally know that God has his reasons and I’m 100% sure they are great reasons, but I’ve never realized I’d be looking at 50 and still be on my own. I know people look at me and either think to themselves, “I don’t want to be her when I grow up,” meaning they don’t want to be the single old lady with a million cats. Or they think I’m a lesbian. I’m not really sure what happened and how I became 49 and still single. Sometimes I feel like I should still be in my 20s - time just went by so fast. 99% of the time it does not bother me, but there are times I just wish I could share with somebody the joys and the heartaches of life.

I’m just having a down night. I’m sad my family is dealing with cancer again. I’m sad that Katie is having another crazy issue. I’m so sad to see Macy having another upheaval in her very young life. It’s just tough sometimes. And not saying we don’t have the most amazing people in our lives because we do. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing, but I kinda wish we didn’t need it.

So that’s my night tonight. Another busy week as we get ready for chemo treatment number two and probably shaving Katie‘s head as her hair is coming out so quickly now. Working in the election and seeing where this country is headed next. I just wish that we could see some peace and tranquility. 

Finding the rhythm

 Life continues to be a whirlwind, but I think it’s calming down. When Katie was first diagnosed immediately, she was in appointments three or four times a week. So many things to do and take care of - it was overwhelming. And while I’m so very thankful to have the amazing medical staff in Charlotte, it’s exhausting to go back-and-forth in the traffic and the roads I don’t know and figure out parking, etc., etc.

Now I think we are done with most extra appointments and can focus on chemo every three weeks. The oncologist will see her before she goes in for chemo, but after she’s had labs. To be there by 8 AM we leave the house around 6 AM. Very long day-traffic sucks in Charlotte and we end up driving in rush-hour traffic, but these doctors are so worth it. The compassion, the intelligence, the desire to see you succeed – it’s been amazing to work with these people.

It’s hard to feel like there’s anything else in life right now. Everything revolves around Katie and cancer. The treatments, the side effects how it affects her daughter, keeping both of them well, etc.  what medication should she be taking and when, who’s taking her to what appointment, how is her daughter getting home from school, or the dance, or piano practice or tutoring… Thank heavens for our mother. And thank heavens for Katie’s friends who have really stepped in to do so much with Macy. And thank goodness, my boss has been very understanding.

My closest guy friend, Dylan, has been awesome. He said since I’m taking care of everyone else that he would take care of me. And he really has done that. If I could find a guy close to my age range and my belief system who could treat me like Dylan does, I’d be a happy lady. 

The difficult days

 I should have written long before now. So much happened so quickly. I won’t say it started with my health issues, but that’s definitely a good starting point. And one doctor visit, which was a routine visit, I ended up with an ultrasound of my kidneys, which led to a urologist and a CT scan of my kidneys. Also, I mentioned I get off balance a lot and my watch notified me that I am unsteady – that landed me trying to have an MRI. I say try because I completely freaked out and haven’t managed to complete that yet. 

In the meantime, my sister found a painful lump in her breast. That led to a mammogram and ultrasound and a biopsy. Four spots were biopsied actually. The day she should have received her results, hurricane Helene hit, canceling that appointment. We had no power or water for three days, showered at friends’ and families’ homes. We thought we knew what was going on based off of information on her patient portal. The following week she and my mom went to the rescheduled appointment only to discover less than half the information was posted on her patient portal. Things were not nearly as “good“ as we had thought. Tuesday will be the meeting with the oncologist and surgeon to learn the treatment plan.

To say we’ve had a wee bit of stress is an understatement, but I feel like the worst is yet to come. My niece is constantly asking all of us, “are you OK?” She is obviously worried. Losing her dad at 6-years-old makes her very anxious about anything medical. Yes- we are ok but we are all very stressed and worried. 

—- 

Update: we did see the oncologist and surgeon and while we received difficult news, we also received good news. The cancer is aggressive and invasive but also cure able.  The plan is 6 chemo treatments and then a mastectomy. Not what we wanted to hear but we’ll do what we have to do. I say we - I know this is on my sister’s shoulders but we all go together. 

More Catching Up: California May 2023

So let's add another trip to the blog - California! I'd never been to the west coast - I guess the farthest west I'd been was Iowa... well Id' been to Texas so guess that would be it. Eh, whatever - Dylan and I went to California! And the coolest part is we went to his hometown of San Diego!

He is always searching for cheap flights and found a great fare from Charleston, SC to LAX. Which meant we had to drive to Charleston in the middle of the night to catch this flight. I don't know why he puts up with me, I slept half the way to Charleston and he did all the driving. (Sorry Dylan, I'm a crappy travel buddy!) Neither of us like to fly, so that was fun. Almost missed our flight out of Charleston (only to fly back to Charlotte and then to LAX - why is it less expensive than flying out of Charlotte direct?! argh!). 

Got to LAX and did a bit of touring; saw the Hollywood sign, and a few other places. Realized the AC didn't work in the truck we'd rented, so back to the rental agency we go. Swapped that sucker out because I don't do no AC. Interestingly, we found a Southerner working and we found some folks that didn't speak English, so yay for Dylan for being bilingual! Hopped into our new rental and away we go to San Diego. And I slept the whole way there. (sorry again!!)

San Diego is incredibly beautiful! I loved it! The perfect weather, so easy and walkable. We hit his favorite Mexican restaurant, he got his favorite clam chowder, we found an outdoor food festival and enjoy Columbia empanadas! (so good!) and did some typical sight seeing. Drove to La Jolla and saw the uppity neighborhoods. Toured his old stompin' grounds of Chula Vista and his old schools, house, friends' homes, places that meant something to him. It was great! If housing wasn't totally out of sight I'd love to live there. The weather is incredible. (as I'm writing this, we just endured Hurricane Debby and the multiple inches of rain that caused flooding all over the upstate.) 

Because we happened to visit during Memorial Day, the military cemetary was very beautiful. We happened to park beside an elderly widow visiting her husband's grave. There were several events where veterans were wearing special tags and decor designating their military service and they were walking around the beach with us. It was so humbling to be with these people who - like the widow, lost her husband, or those that served. I'm sure some lost their friends in battle. It just touched me. 

After our whirlwind visit to San Diego, we headed back to Charleston and spend the next day just bumming around the east coast! Visiting Dylan's favorite seafood restaurant there, too! How he eats like he does and stays skinny is beyond me, but more power to him. 

I love these trips with him. Travelling with Dylan is so incredibly easy. We rarely get irritated at each other and are totally cool with doing whatever the other wants to do, so it's always a great trip when we are together. :) Glad to have this one added to my travel memories!

Thinking of Dad

I'm sure I've written most of this before. I'm not going to go back and read what I've written before. I've just had Dad on my mind. He was such an amazing man. As kids, he was working all the time, overtime, making sure he provided all he could for our family. They had three kids, spaced out over 9 years, and mom worked some but stayed home with us a lot when we were small. At times he worked swing shifts, which were hard on the whole family. He added blackout curtains to my parents bedroom and a window AC unit and it was FREEZING in there. He worked in a nuclear plant and there were certain sounds that were just "not good." Unfortunately, my hair dryer made a similar sound, so we didn't use that when he was sleeping. We also didn't have to clean house on Saturday mornings when he was sleeping, so cartoons for the win! 

When he was home, he was a kid at heart. Loved coyote and road runner, building Legos with us, and giving us hugs. I would ride on his shoulders as a little kid, on the backs of cows, in the wagon or wheelbarrow. He farmed so we tagged along. Driving out through the pasture in his truck was a treat. He would plow down tall grass and small bushes, driving through the pasture looking for cows. But to me, it was magical.  He'd call the cows and they'd come running, knowing food was being tossed out for them. 

Shopping with Dad was always an experience. He'd know exactly what he wanted to get Mom for Christmas, birthdays and Mother's Day. If we suggested something she'd mention, it went on the list, too. And then we'd hop in the truck and head to town. Talk about focused. Don't even think about deviating from the plan - the plan was all we were there to do. And eat. We both liked to eat. :) But he would put such thought into everything he got her. One year, it was a George Forman grill (remember when those were all the rage). My sister and I bought a very trashy hot red teddy from Wal-Mart and folded it up inside the grill, and wrapped it. I don't know which one was more shocked on Christmas morning when she opened it up, pulled out the grill and held up the teddy. HAHAHA She got us back when she said that was for later. UGH. But it was HILARIOUS to prank them both in one shot. HA.

In 2008, when the recession hit, my workplace reduce our hours/pay by 20%. So we had one extra day off a week. I chose Wednesdays because he was off on Wednesdays. I'd tag along with him doing whatever he needed to do that day. We planted beets. Fed the cows. Went to the feed and seed store. Picked up parts for the truck. Fixed the truck in the parking lot! And we ate. We'd hit this dive of a place with country cooking and eat up. The waitresses all knew him and got to know me. I made sure I went back to let them know he'd passed away. It was hard going back without him. But I would give back those days for anything. I knew they were a treasure, to have a day a week, just he and I, together as adults. Such a special time. 

I wish I'd written down more memories. I know I have a horrible memory and I know I'm missing big blocks of time that were just special moments. Or times we'd laughed so hard his eyes watered. He never expected to live as long as he did. He was preparing us for him to be gone when we were children. He'd lost his parents when they were in their 50s and early 60s. So he figured that would be his fate, too. I'm glad we did get more time with him than that, though. All of us were grown and his grandbabies were all old enough to remember him. Man, he had such a huge personality. I just miss that so much, asking him questions, hearing his family stories, depending on him for so many things. He was a huge blessing in my life, God gave me to him and I'm so thankful for it.