Peace and tranquility?

 My writing skills have just sucked lately. I think it’s just I’m so scattered and tired, stressed and exhausted and it’s just a stream of consciousness coming out of my mouth. Yes I’m totally cheating and using voice to text instead of typing on my phone.

Katie has had some issues this week, but thankfully the doctors do not believe the infection has reached her blood stream. So we are hoping this will not delay chemo on Thursday. I’m working the election on Tuesday, which should be very interesting. After working in the elections office for 12 years, you think I’d be totally old hat at elections. But we didn’t get to work on election day at the polls, we were always in the office answering questions. Of course, a presidential election is a pretty big deal and the turnout should be tremendous. I pray everything goes smoothly and that I stay well because I don’t need to give Katie anything that I pick up at the election.

I’m having an off night tonight and I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I feel very invisible at the moment, very lonesome. With everything that’s going on I really wish I had that special person by my side. I’ve often wondered why I wasn’t allowed to have a family. I totally know that God has his reasons and I’m 100% sure they are great reasons, but I’ve never realized I’d be looking at 50 and still be on my own. I know people look at me and either think to themselves, “I don’t want to be her when I grow up,” meaning they don’t want to be the single old lady with a million cats. Or they think I’m a lesbian. I’m not really sure what happened and how I became 49 and still single. Sometimes I feel like I should still be in my 20s - time just went by so fast. 99% of the time it does not bother me, but there are times I just wish I could share with somebody the joys and the heartaches of life.

I’m just having a down night. I’m sad my family is dealing with cancer again. I’m sad that Katie is having another crazy issue. I’m so sad to see Macy having another upheaval in her very young life. It’s just tough sometimes. And not saying we don’t have the most amazing people in our lives because we do. The outpouring of love and support has been amazing, but I kinda wish we didn’t need it.

So that’s my night tonight. Another busy week as we get ready for chemo treatment number two and probably shaving Katie‘s head as her hair is coming out so quickly now. Working in the election and seeing where this country is headed next. I just wish that we could see some peace and tranquility. 

Finding the rhythm

 Life continues to be a whirlwind, but I think it’s calming down. When Katie was first diagnosed immediately, she was in appointments three or four times a week. So many things to do and take care of - it was overwhelming. And while I’m so very thankful to have the amazing medical staff in Charlotte, it’s exhausting to go back-and-forth in the traffic and the roads I don’t know and figure out parking, etc., etc.

Now I think we are done with most extra appointments and can focus on chemo every three weeks. The oncologist will see her before she goes in for chemo, but after she’s had labs. To be there by 8 AM we leave the house around 6 AM. Very long day-traffic sucks in Charlotte and we end up driving in rush-hour traffic, but these doctors are so worth it. The compassion, the intelligence, the desire to see you succeed – it’s been amazing to work with these people.

It’s hard to feel like there’s anything else in life right now. Everything revolves around Katie and cancer. The treatments, the side effects how it affects her daughter keeping both of them well, etc.  what medication should she be taking and when, who’s taking her to what appointment, how is her daughter getting home from school, or the dance, or piano practice or tutoring… Thank heavens for our mother. And thank heavens for Katie’s friends who have really stepped in to do so much with Macy. And thank goodness, my boss has been very understanding.

My closest guy friend, Dylan, has been awesome. He said since I’m taking care of everyone else that he would take care of me. And he really has done that. If I could find a guy close to my age range and my belief system who could treat me like Dylan does, I’d be a happy lady.